The thing I hate the most about crying is the horrible headache I get afterwards.

I've always been a crybaby, you know. Always.

Lately, the whole issue of talking, or communicating with people has come up. Not with Amber or any of my close friends... But I think it's mostly with people I want to be close to. Like... Tyler and... my mom.

Because I don't really want to talk about the former, let's talk about the latter. Last night mom and Shaun got home around the same time I finished my homework and was going through the motions of going to bed. Since I'm pretty lazy, I didn't go downstairs to say good night, even though I knew they were home. So, mom comes upstairs and says goodnight, then Shaun comes knocking on my door telling me that I should've come downstairs to say goodnight since I knew they were home and that my mom would've done the same for me (questionable). Me being tired and wanting to go to bed (it was around 11:30) just went, yep, yep, yep.

So, I come home from school today and I see the walls of my room. I don't like my door being left open but for privacy issues, but I just don't like open doors. I go up there and my door is gone. Great. There's also a note from my mom (obvious because she spelled my name right) saying that I was inconsiderate and stuff and I don't do my chores (which is kind of true, but I've been good these past few days and have done my chores) and... yeah. I think the chore thing is what set me off. I got mad and then ripped my phone in half (yes, I broke my phone). Our wireless service goes out tomorrow so... yeah.

Then I realized that a ton of phone numbers that I need and don't know by heart and my alarm clocks are on that phone. Greaaat.

So I spent a good... I don't know two and a half hours crying and being... upset. I cleaned my room up a bit too. Then I took a nap til mom got home.

Then we talked some about how I don't care about the people I live with and act as if I live alone. How my communication skills suck. How I'm ungrateful little girl. Mm. So, yeah. I mean, I guess saying it this way, might just prove their point, but that's just how I am. And by taking away my door they're trying to forcibly change me, which I don't appreciate. Yes, maybe I should talk more about stuff. Yes, maybe I should try to show that I care more. And it's okay if they want that for me too, but to try to make me do it by taking away my door isn't the way to go about it, I don't think. It's something I should want for myself and only myself. In the end, taking away my door isn't going to make me want to change. Shaun (and maybe my mom a bit) want me to be normal by talking more and being a better kid, why? I guess cuz it's bad to be different. But I'm not normal, I don't believe in normal. So, in a way, trying to change me in this way is kind of insulting to me and makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. It's like, sorry I can't meet your expectactions. I mean, I don't (nor have any desire to) go out and party and drink and have sex  like some of the people my age do. I don't want to get in trouble so I stay home, I study a bit and try to achieve good grades. But that's not good enough.

And you know what. Everytime we have money issues at home I kinda get the feeling that they get vented on me. Yeah. I need to get a job. ._.; But I kind of get the vibes of... "There a problem. It must be Nikki's fault."

Computer's not working. It's Nikki's fault.
We don't have enough money for xxx. It's Nikki's fault.
Things are sucky at work. It's Nikki's fault.

Maybe I'm over-exagerating a bit, but that's how I honestly feel. Maybe they aren't blaming it on me, but I feel that it's getting taken out on me.

This ordeal just makes me not want to have kids, you know. I don't want my hypothetical children suffering from this kind of crap.

I'm not used to giving people thank you cards. I was never raised doing so. A few years back, Mom/Shaun made me write thank you letters to his family for sending me Christmas presents. I really do understand that when someone does something nice for you that you should thank them. But, ugh, I know I may come across as some ungrateful person for saying it, but the whole thought of writing thank you notes all the time makes me sick (though right now I might be suffering some after effects of the food poisoning I suffered earlier today). I mean, like I said, I know that it's polite to thank someone when they give you something or do something for you. But thank you notes... Like, I think that just a simple thank you should suffice. That's part of the reason I felt somewhat... uncomfortable that time I wrote those thank you notes. I had a whole page to fill and just thank you wasn't enough to do that. The rest was some useless banter that spouted in my head. It felt horrible writing it because it wasn't sincere.

When we were away, I remember Paula, Shaun's step-mother, mentioning how she never received any thank you notes from Michelle, who is the wife of Shaun's friend. Maybe she didn't thank them at all, but I think that it's a bit much to expect and perhaps even want a thank you note from someone. I mean, you're not satisfied with me just saying thank you? I don't know... I mean, when I thank someone I do it two to three times I think, but not in elaborate note style.

And, I just feel like I have something to prove to these people. I mean, little Shaun isn't told to write thank you notes (not yet at least), so that way it just feels kind of like I'm vying for approval from his family. Does that mean that if I don't do this or that that they won't accept me? That they won't like me? Possibly. I don't know.

Ugh. I just don't know.

On another note, I left my eczema medication on the coffee table last night. I forgot to bring it upstairs. I had a horrible stomachache, the last thing on my mind was remembering to grab the small metal tube. Luckily, I was too pained to get signficantly pissed off when I found the note on the coffee table this afternoon when I finally got out of bed (I had been up earlier puking what felt like my entire stomach out) that asked 'why is this here?' with my medicine-thing on top of the note. Obviously the note had been written by Shaun because my mom doesn't ask ridiculous things like that, much less write out stupid notes asking ridiculous things. The cream was downstairs because that's where I put it on. And it's not like it goes inappropriate parts on my body (arms, neck, etc). I'm supposed to use it three times a day, which doesn't happen because it's up in my room and naturally, I don't feel like going upstairs randomly.

I know it's house, but really? He couldn't put it in my bathroom? My room? There was this one time, I made the mistake of putting a used pad in the downstairs bathroom trashcan. He took it out of the trash can and put it in my room. It's not like it was something I did all the time too, it was just that one time. I guess that couldn't be overlooked. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, Shaun's a nice guy and all, but sometimes he has those really asshole-y moments that are over stupid things, or at least stupid in my opinion. I try not to complain to my mom because she loves him and all...

On the trip Mom and Shaun showed his family that the postponement of the marriage wasn't because they were having relationship problems... It was like a goal. But... I don't know.

I once told Tyler something along the lines of... "Parents are dictators." Which, is basically true, they tell you want to do and if it mattered enough, you get yelled at if you don't do it right.

My mom and I are usually pretty cool. She usually lets me do my own thing and so it's all good. Of course, she always, when she isn't mad at him, feels the need to let him know every little thing she's doing. I mean, in some cases I can understand, like if we're gone for a while, or if we're going to the store, or to McDonalds. But every little thing?

In the past, he's said that I can have friends over so long as I have my mom's approval (assuming the friend is female, if the friend is male, Shaun's consent is a must since this is HIS house), so earlier, I asked if Amber could come over, and first my mom is like... "It's up to you" then she's all... "Hm. Have you told Shaun, we need to tell Shaun." Before, Amber could come over as long as my mom consented.

You know, last time she came over, Shaun was all... "Make sure you feed her" or something like that... I think I blogged about that one too... I mean, yeah, I'm going to have my friends sleep over and NOT feed them [/sarcasm]. Just because I don't eat sometimes doesn't mean that I'm not going to make sure my friends eat.

And if there's no food in the house, is that my fault? Besides, I know better than to invite people over when there is no food.

Sometime today around noon my mom said she was going to go to the car wash. I figured that she meant that she wanted me to go with her, but she seemed surprised when I started changing from my clothes. I wanted out of the house anyway. The little one was probably going to be on the computer all day, meaning I'd be up in my room bored...

...well, iLove the New Millenium was on. But whatever. So, we went to the carwash, and my mom said, "You need to go get a job."

Of course she tells me that every now and then (I think she's said it a bit more often since I told her that Tyler's working now), but she said it in a specific tone of voice. It meant one thing and one thing only. She and Shaun are fighting. I'm not really surprised after hearing that the wedding's delayed. But, I hate it when they fight because then usually Shaun moves the blame to me or my mom. When we were sitting waiting for the car, I had to fight back tears. I was just waiting for her to explode at me.

It didn't happen though.

Eventually, we found our way to Borders and my mom parked so she could focus on talking to her friend Emma. I don't speak or understand Tagalog so I didn't really know what she was saying, but I could understand little bits and pieces of it. She was talking about Shaun. So that got me thinking (since I had little else to do anyway, since I, for once, didn't bring my iPod), often when there are problems, Shaun blames me or my mom, but never really himself. Well, I don't know. Maybe he does blame himself. I don't think I've ever heard him say that though.

While I was thinking about that, I remembered the words to a song. The song's kind of new to me, so I don't know all the words by heart, but I remembered this part:

Also, I think I'm probably over-simplfying things. There are other problems that may be someone else's fault (I'm so contradicting myself here...), but you don't have to let that bring you down. Someone can cause you to fee like this or like that, but it's your own decision to stay in that state of mind.

...lol, I know, I need to listen to myself.