The thing I hate the most about crying is the horrible headache I get afterwards.

I've always been a crybaby, you know. Always.

Lately, the whole issue of talking, or communicating with people has come up. Not with Amber or any of my close friends... But I think it's mostly with people I want to be close to. Like... Tyler and... my mom.

Because I don't really want to talk about the former, let's talk about the latter. Last night mom and Shaun got home around the same time I finished my homework and was going through the motions of going to bed. Since I'm pretty lazy, I didn't go downstairs to say good night, even though I knew they were home. So, mom comes upstairs and says goodnight, then Shaun comes knocking on my door telling me that I should've come downstairs to say goodnight since I knew they were home and that my mom would've done the same for me (questionable). Me being tired and wanting to go to bed (it was around 11:30) just went, yep, yep, yep.

So, I come home from school today and I see the walls of my room. I don't like my door being left open but for privacy issues, but I just don't like open doors. I go up there and my door is gone. Great. There's also a note from my mom (obvious because she spelled my name right) saying that I was inconsiderate and stuff and I don't do my chores (which is kind of true, but I've been good these past few days and have done my chores) and... yeah. I think the chore thing is what set me off. I got mad and then ripped my phone in half (yes, I broke my phone). Our wireless service goes out tomorrow so... yeah.

Then I realized that a ton of phone numbers that I need and don't know by heart and my alarm clocks are on that phone. Greaaat.

So I spent a good... I don't know two and a half hours crying and being... upset. I cleaned my room up a bit too. Then I took a nap til mom got home.

Then we talked some about how I don't care about the people I live with and act as if I live alone. How my communication skills suck. How I'm ungrateful little girl. Mm. So, yeah. I mean, I guess saying it this way, might just prove their point, but that's just how I am. And by taking away my door they're trying to forcibly change me, which I don't appreciate. Yes, maybe I should talk more about stuff. Yes, maybe I should try to show that I care more. And it's okay if they want that for me too, but to try to make me do it by taking away my door isn't the way to go about it, I don't think. It's something I should want for myself and only myself. In the end, taking away my door isn't going to make me want to change. Shaun (and maybe my mom a bit) want me to be normal by talking more and being a better kid, why? I guess cuz it's bad to be different. But I'm not normal, I don't believe in normal. So, in a way, trying to change me in this way is kind of insulting to me and makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. It's like, sorry I can't meet your expectactions. I mean, I don't (nor have any desire to) go out and party and drink and have sex  like some of the people my age do. I don't want to get in trouble so I stay home, I study a bit and try to achieve good grades. But that's not good enough.

And you know what. Everytime we have money issues at home I kinda get the feeling that they get vented on me. Yeah. I need to get a job. ._.; But I kind of get the vibes of... "There a problem. It must be Nikki's fault."

Computer's not working. It's Nikki's fault.
We don't have enough money for xxx. It's Nikki's fault.
Things are sucky at work. It's Nikki's fault.

Maybe I'm over-exagerating a bit, but that's how I honestly feel. Maybe they aren't blaming it on me, but I feel that it's getting taken out on me.

This ordeal just makes me not want to have kids, you know. I don't want my hypothetical children suffering from this kind of crap.

I hate alcohol. I hate the smell of it. I hate the taste of it (judging from the few sips of random drinks my mom has had in the past). And if you need someone to tell you how much I hate underaged drinking just ask Corey since I bitch at him about it so fucking much (though he says he's not gonna drink anymore).

Anyway, despite the fact that I don't like alcohol, and I don't think I come across as someone who would be a teenaged drinker, I'm the first one who get's blamed for the disappearance of alcohol from a supposedly full bottle of vodka. Shaun noticed this last night I believe and so when he got home today from work he asks me what happened. Of course, since I hate that kind of shit I didn't know. Shaun didn't believe me the first time, so he asked again and when I, once again, told him that I hadn't done anything. To that he asked me if I had let anyone in the house that would've done it. Answer here is also no. We got the alcohol in October or so and to be honest since then the only times I remember having someone over to the house was during my birthday and the day of Tucker's party. The first time no one went to where we store the alcohol in the house, the second time I know Tyler didn't go even near the kitchen. Besides that I haven't had anyone over, so that rules out my friends.

When I told him I didn't know of anyone that I had let into the house who would drink it he told that my mom and I had to get it settled and figure out what happened. I guess looking back what he meant by that was I'm supposed to admit my dirty sin to my mother since I'm so obviously frightened by him. I could tell that he and my mom had talked about it too since my mom called me earlier and had asked I had known what had happened. The answer was the same for her. I didn't know. I didn't drink the damned vodka. I think someone would know if I drank it.

And you know, over the holidays we had people over, Shaun's father was here (I doubt he drank the vodka though, he seems to like wine) and Donnie and his fiancée and her family were here... Is it possible that maybe he had made them a drink or something? I don't know. All I know is that I didn't drink the damned vodka.

If my mom and Shaun honestly think I did it, then I don't either of them have any idea what I'm like at all.

So, um, anyway... I slept in today... Went to school, nothing new really. Tyler didn't appear because he was at the Student of the Month thing... I saw his parent's truck in the parking lot (well, I didn't know for sure that it was theirs but it looked like it at least). I figured that both Tyler and Alex got rides to school.

Anyway, Tucker passed out invitations to his annual Christmas party. I, of course, will be going, despite the fact that there will be people I don't like too much present. I don't recall if it was at lunch or during history but I did recall Amy remarking that she didn't want to go. She also didn't want Tucker to go to Schroeder's Halloween party. Mm. I found out a little while ago that Amy and Stephu made plans to have a sleepover the night of the party, because of the party. They asked Amber if she wanted to go, and I don't know... But, I know that if they ask me, I don't want to go. I want to go to Tucker's party, and we're going on a first come first served thing with me. Besides I don't think that saying... "I don't want to go because so-and-so is gonna be there..." or "I don't want to go because it's Tucker..." is right... I mean. We're all friends, aren't we? I don't know, but you know what, let them do what they want to do. I can't stop them. I just don't think it's right they intentionally plan something the same night as Tucker's party.

Anyway, the rest of the day was okay. Ms. Lin was in a good mood at least. :D So...yeah. Math was okay. We have a test tomorrow though... Not looking forward to that... Also I have to present my French project tomorrow. I was spared today.... But this poor girl, Catlin, she was in the middle of her presentation and she had to go barf... Poor thing...

Um, also, I saw Mininger walking up the hill, confirming that he and his brother had gotten a ride to school. I figured that Tyler had caught their ride and poor Alex had been left behind... Poor Alex. ;; I think he was waiting too... If he's mad at Tyler, about it, I think it might be justified...

Yeah. One more day of school... One more.

And "reality" is that Shaun will probably be lecturing me tomorrow. It will probably be something like... "When people do nice things for you you should do nice things for them. You should be grateful, blah, blah, blah." First, I never asked to go the circus. Yes, I did go, and yes, I did appreciate it.  

...Okay, so on Sunday we went to the circus, afterwards we went home and while we were out Tyler called asking me about something so I had to call him back. This happened to occur after Shaun asked me to go play some game with Junior. And so I was on the phone with the boy, and... well, I guess you guys don't know... Amber does, but I'm the type of person who can blab on a phone. So I talk. And fifteen minutes into talking Shaun decides to take Junior somewhere because he's decided I'm not going to play with him. (I'll be lectured about that too... You should be a sister to him, blah, blah.) So he takes him somewhere. My phone call ends about fifteen minutes later and Mom tells me how disappointed Shaun is. I can't blame him, I do think that what I did was wrong. But I'm sorry that I can't help but talk to Tyler, because before that I hadn't talked to him for a week and a half. To me, I'd say Junior and Tyler weigh about the same in importance (I like Tyler more, though) and I saw Junior more recently. Besides, I like the guy, okay. If I'm talking to him on the phone do you seriously think that I'm going to stop easily? 

If Shaun really wanted me to play with the kid then he would've asked while I was still on the phone. He could've done that, I wouldn't have cared. But I guess he wanted me to want to play with him. Which I didn't, but I would've done it if he had asked. I was going to do it after the phone call. It's not like I'm talking to Amber or someone who I can spend hours and hours on the phone with. So the call was bound to end sooner or later. Thirty minutes, to me, isn't really long. So...yeah. I honestly think I shouldn't be lectured. But that's how that's going to go. If I get punished, though, it will either be computer access will be revoked or I can't see Tyler for who knows how long. A week? Two weeks? I don't know. 

Second order of business is that today my mom was talking to me about how she and Shaun want to get me to see a therapist so I... "open up and talk more." I don't know really, hearing it like that makes me feel like they think that there's something wrong with me. I don't personally think that there's something wrong with being an introvert. So, it's like... I don't know. Perhaps it's the idea of... "We're family now and because of that you need to be open. We need to know about you." Well, to me, family is something like mystery. I know what it is, like... Amber's mom, her dad and her brother, and all those other people... that's her family. Tyler, his brothers and his parents, that's his family. Me... Well, mom is family. That's it.

I can physically accept Shaun and Junior as my family. I can't mentally, though. I cannot think of Shaun as my father. But I can think of Junior as my brother... Well, I guess it's not a matter of family. It's a matter of fatherhood. I never had a father. Even when I think back to Terry. I never really considered him my father. He was merely the person I called "Dad" (til I found out he wasn't my dad). What it is, to me, is that I grew up without a dad, I grew up not needing a dad, and so if some who is to be a father figure is suddenly thrust into my life and I am to call this person my father I will not conform so easily. That's that problem. 

Opening up. Yeah. I'm kind of an introvert. Well, honestly, do I think that I need to open up? No. Well, part of the reason is that I have an online blog. Where I spill my heart basically... Or at least try too. And so the world can read my thoughts... Not that everyone knows this is here, but anyway. Well, now that I think about it, maybe. But... well, I won't talk to a person about my problems unless I want to. So I guess this would be a wish to make me desire to tell people my problems... I don't really tell people... I use this here blog. That's because I think that this way it's easier for me to articulate my thoughts. But anyway, what was I talking about? Oh. Opening up. I don't think I need to, honestly, in my own opinion. I mean, I'll tell a person almost anything all they have to really do is ask. I don't want to aimlessly talk about myself. ._.; I'd feel like a narcissist. The reason why I don't talk much around Shaun? I don't really know, I think it's a comfort issue. The more I talk with a person I think the more comfortable I am with that person. Well, in real life. 

Anyway, we went to see the doctor today, for some other reason, and she asked him, and he said that that he thinks that I'm just that way, you know, not open. lol, so maybe I'm not open, I kinda think I am, like, I'll tell you something if you want to know it... But at the same time I don't tell people things because when they know things they have more power... More power to hurt you... I don't know really... I don't know.

And I'm gonna talk about today in a separate post.