rushing emotion~

rant

2009-11-29T20:51:31Z

I just feel like stupidly ranting right now. I'm supposed to be working on a project for government, but I can't very well do that when I'm upset.

So, like I mentioned, I have a government thing to do. It's not really that hard, it's just time consuming. I've been working on it the past two hours. It's a campaign commercial with Stewie Griffin from Family Guy which happens to be an animated show. Now, Shaun came down stairs about a few minutes ago and asked me what I did yesterday. Honestly, I couldn't really remember so I said I didn't do anything. He's like, "Right. See. You didn't do anything you need to go and get a job. It's Sunday and you get up and do nothing all day but sit on the computer and watch cartoons."

Youi see, I'd probably be a tiny bit less offended if I were actually just watching anime, but no, I'm working on a fucking project. You see, he never asks what I'm doing on the computer unless he needs to play his goddamn poker. Actually, even then he doesn't ask, he just wants to know when I'll be done. And when I tell him I'm working on school stuff I always get the "you need to start on this earlier." Well, yeah, I won't lie and say I don't procrastinate, but seriously, it's really insulting when he just assumes that I'm not doing anything worth while.

Both him and my mom have been pressuing me about getting a job since I turned eighteen. Yes, I know I need to go join the workforce, you don't need to tell me over and over again. You also don't need to tell me how I can't rely on people, Mother. I know that, after all, I can't really rely very well on you.

You know, I really can see why Tyler feels so sorry for me for lacking strong family bonds, and I imagine it's quite nice to have a family that's always there for you. My mom and Shaun like to spew on how much family will always be there, but I can't really believe them. Sorry.

I'm sure mom and Shaun are worried for my well-being and that's nice and all, but before you start assuming I'm just being lazy, ask, it's just so fucking insulting to hear what Shaun said to me. And, honestly, because of that, if it weren't for the fact that Scheri, Bri, Alaina and Samamtha Jackson's grades were also riding on this, I'd just ditch this project.

I'm really getting to the point where once I graduate from college, I'm not going to want to have anything to do with my family at all. Of course, by doing that it makes me seem really ungrateful, but honestly, I just feel like I'm gonna break.

questionable

2009-11-20T23:23:57Z

Nyar. I haven't blogged in so long.

Anyway, not much is up. I was doing nano, but alas, I'm so behind. It wasn't because I just randomly decided that I couldn't do it, but because I didn't write any on the two days that my birthday lasted (my party was on Saturday and my friends were over all of Sunday pretty much).

But, yeah. I just wanted to sort out some thoughts.

Yeah, these thoughts are pretty much focused on you know who. Bah. Yeah. I'm pretty hopeless. Though I've decided that I won't intentionally pursue him. But... yeah. He came to my party (I was surprised, but hey, if it were me I would've been hesitant, I guess that just means he... doesn't care about it anymore, I shouldn't either, but oh well...). Something has been kind of... off since then. I can't really tell though because I feel kind of desensitized to the whole matter now. But, yeah, on Monday he suggested to go see 2012 as a group to me. I think he mentioned it to some others, but I didn't really hear it. It's kinda weird because usually Tyler doesn't suggest such things.

Nyar. My desire to hug him this past week has been bad, so I've been tsundere-ish and being mean and calling him names and stuff. And then hugging him. I tackled hugged him today. *shrug* He did kind of ask though because before that I was trying to satiate my hugging by hugging others, so he was like, "I don't get a hug?" So, yeah. Bah.

The other thing that happened which doesn't have so much to do with Tyler is that- ahaha, I just typed his name and he signed on to MSN. Anyway, yesterday in first period, someone typed "I love you" onto my calculator. I don't know who though. The three possible people (Malissa, Tyler, and Micki) have all denied it. I think it was Micki though. Micki says it was Tyler and Malissa and Tyler said that it's not them. One of them is lying... I know it. Though first time I saw it, I thought Tyler because the typing wasn't Micki's style (she'd put a happy face at the end) and Malissa would've just shown me. So... I don't know. I'm more curious about that. :I

insulting

2009-11-08T11:09:03Z

Bah. It's almost a quarter to three in the morning? Why am I still awake, you ask?

Simple. I'm doing something I enjoy so much that I'm willing to lose valuable sleep to do it. I happen to like sleeping, especially on the weekend because I can sleep more than I do during the school week where I have to get up early and go to school. So, I normally wouldn't be up at this time because the longer I'm awake, the less time I have to sleep.

This month happens to be November, which is also NaNoWriMo, which I participate in yearly. We all know there's a communication disconnect in my house so my mom knows I do it, but apparently Shaun does not. Of course, since the competition has started, I've done my best to get my 1667 words done before he goes demanding for the computer to play his online poker. Luckily, I haven't had to deal with it much, since since the month has started he's come home after I've gone to bed.

So, today and last night mom and Shaun left to go do their own thing (eat?) and I was on the computer writing. Now, I'll be honest, I'm almost always on this thing regardless of time of the year. Usually, I'm not doing anything productive, but since it's NaNo, I've been writing. But today, I felt like making an AMV, so lo and behold I start. When Mom and Shaun return home from their errands I was on, working on it. They left to go to little Shaun's football game, still working on it (I'd like to mention on another note, though this was probably accidental that my mom told me they were going to the game when they were running errands), they come home. Still working. Anyone who makes those things know it's rare to pop those out in an hour, especially since I spent half an hour importing all the videos into WMM (which sucks). When they come home, Mom asks what I'm doing and Shaun announces in a condescending/mocking way that I'm on the computer like I was this morning. I was cleaning up some dishes when they left for errands if I remember correctly.

So, after Shaun complains Mom drags me out of the house and we go do some things before returning home so she can get ready for the both of them to go clubbing. Since I didn't do any writing for today, I start on that. He comes and gets her around nine. I'm still writing.. .Writing til 1AM. Then I start on my prettyful AMV and I'm still working on that when they get home.

Now since it's around 2:30AM, I know I'm gonna get it. But Shaun comes home announcing that I'm on the computer like I was at ten this morning. Well, guess what, kiddies, I wasn't even awake at ten this morning. I know this because the text message I sent to Sam when I first got up reads 11:30AM, but would you like to know who was probably on at this time? My mother, of course, but that's not the point. I'm perfectly fine with him saying I've been on the computer all day in a patronizing tone. I'm perfectly fine with him saying that there's a bunch of stuff in the world outside this house and I should get out more in a patronizing tone.

I don't appreciate him saying it as if I haven't been doing anything productive. Okay. I've been so much better with NaNo than last year, it's not even funny. I'm actually keeping up. And I'm proud of that. Of course he doesn't know that, does he know what I do on the computer every day? Probably not. I know what he does. Check his email and play poker. But anyway. I've been working hard on that thing, and hearing him talk like that is a real motivation killer. And I've been working on this AMV too, and WMM has been a complete bitch for me to work with. I really don't appreciate him coming home and announcing I'm on the computer like always when I feel I've been doing something productive that I enjoy.

So, mother, you were complaining about blog entries. Here's one.

It's perfectly fine if you want to say that I don't get out enough and that I'm on the computer a lot. Go ahead and say it's unhealthy, I won't argue with you. But is it really right of you to condemn it if I enjoy it? I like writing. I like movie editing. Sorry that these things are more easily done on the computer. :I

Anyway, it's just past three in the morning and I've wasted the last half hour. Thanks for that, but I can't be productive when I'm mad. Now, back to your regularly scheduled lives.

...I'm surprised I'm still this coherent at this time of day. I may not sleep tonight.

eventful

2009-10-25T06:28:43Z

I was actually going to do this later today once I had fulfilled all my plans, but alas.

Sooo, yesterday was the end of the quarter and I saw my pitiful grade on the physics test I took on Thursday. You don't need to know the number, just that it wasn't pretty.

Um... Fourth period was spent waiting for pizza. Really. Everyone was focused on it. Me, Tyler, and the kid who sits behind him, Alex, were playing a word game... It was like, you say the first word that comes to mind when I say this. We all know I'm a pervert and it doesn't help when sometimes Tyler (who went before me) threw words at me that could be taken so bad. Though one interesting string was when Tyler said e = mc^2, then I said the speed of light (no that is not the speed of light, which is... 3 x 10^8, yes?) and then Alex said his ex-girlfriend and Tyler said Nikki. Now what do I think of first when I hear my name? "What?" But I said me.

Anyway, when the pizza arrived we all attacked it.

Also, Sam had to stay after because her Spanish teacher wouldn't let her make up a test she missed after school, so she followed me for the rest of the school day. Then it was Harry Potter Club tiem. I went up, dropped my stuff off and ran to the band room. Long story short, I did not know that people who are not in band are not permitted in the band room. A logical rule, but I wish Mrs. K had cut me some slack- no one told me... Well, Christie Garland was trying. I was too focused on Joey though. Never again am I going into that room. Bah.

Then there was club-ness. Nicco asked me to keep the Ravenclaws in order (which isn't hard because other than me is the other Nicky... or... I don't know how to spell her name) and Tyler who came for the food. Ahaha. More on him and the party later. Anyway, me being me, walked home with him, though nothing substantial was talked about... At least I don't remember anything very important. But I do remember afterwards that I texted an apology for acting a bit inappropriately at the party. For example, I joked at me and Tyler were getting married and he played along saying that the Harry Potter Club party was a lame reception... or something like that. Basically I was overly friendly, which is not what I meant to do.

There's no use in denying the fact that I still like the kid. I just have to do my best to keep myself in check. Which isn't that hard... normally.

Anyway, Vanessa texted me a little after I got home inviting me to a surprise birthday party for Courtney that was at 6. My mom reluctantly let me go. But before I went Amber called me and we were talking. She told me that Amy had said that Tyler and I appeared to be flirting at the party (accidental- I couldn't purposely flirt to save my life, or at least not seriously) and that 'something was happening there' or something akin to that. Amber, I know you'll be reading this, what did she again? o_o;;

Okay, so I went to the carnival where Courtney's surprise party was. I met Vanessa there and eventually Razia and Courtney showed up later. Razia forgot to ask me earlier that day in class (which was fine, we were ALL thinking about that damned pizza). I felt really bad because I couldn't pay for the majority of my tickets and everyone else did. ; A: I hate feeling like such a moocher.. But we had a ton of fun... Going on a ton of spinning rides... Three in a row, then one more later. Yeah, needless to say I nearly pucked after that last one. Also, on that last one... It was one of those rides where you go upside down and you're in a little cage thing and it goes faster and faster. Yeah. The buckle on my thing unbuckled and I was only being held down by the metal harness bars. I told Razia and she was like, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" She curses a lot on those rides. ^^;; Anyway, we ate afterward and I felt so bad because I couldn't contribute in paying for stuff. ; A;

Today, I had the ACT so I got up really early and walked to school since I was smart this time and decided to take it nearby instead of taking it across town. I saw a bunch of people I knew, Razia among them. I think I did a little better this time, but I still rushed the last few questions on the math and science parts. When I got home I relaxed for literally three minutes before Amber called asking if I was ready and that they'd be picking me up within twenty minutes. Fun. So, when they came they filmed Smokey running at their project and we went to get Stephu. Then we were filming til a quarter to five so we could drop Stephu off at home.

When I was about to be dropped off, Bri called me and invited me to another surprise birthday party for Courtney. So, I got home and asked, and once again my mom reluctantly let me go- this time we were watching a movie. Which was good. :D That... Vampire's Assistant. Yeah. THE PROTAGONIST WAS IN A SUIT FOR A BIT. I CANNOT RESIST.

Ahem. We had some pizza and played DDR after. I'm rusty cuz I failed a ton .

But yeah... Today was busy. o_o;;;

embarassment

2009-10-14T02:20:47Z

I totally spaced on asking Tyler a question during school yesterday so I asked after, and boy did he give me a good one. He asked why I like him/what attracts me to him. Fun. Lately, I've been wondering myself, though why I STILL like him is the focus of that question instead of why... So I spent a good... five or so hours writing our my response.

It was this morning that I realized how terribly embarassing it is for him to read that. ; A: I had the notebook out in Computer Science and he was like, "It's because I'm so sexy, isn't it?"

Even if it was, I wouldn't tell him that.

Anyway, the Advanced Study kids weren't getting taken today, which was good cuz I wanted Tyler around to help my with my assignment. When he was first coming over, Malissa asked what he was doing there. Then he pointed at me, and said, "She wants me. She wants me so bad."

I know he's joking (though it is kinda true) but that was just cruel. ; A; He helped me with the assignment though, and I felt uncomfortable throughout the whole thing. I don't know if it was because my embarassment or something else. I think it was something else though.

Come physics class, Tyler decided to take the notebook to read the response, I guess he REALLY wanted to know the answer. He started walking back to his desk, but I didn't want him to take the notebook away, not that he'd read anything else in it, but when he was looking for the answer, he stopped on a page that it was clearly not on. And there are other things in that notebook I don't want him reading. He read it during the annoucements, and as he was I was fidgeting nervously. When he was done I told him that it was very embarassing and he just smiled telling me that I had told him to make the questions more personal and that's just what he did. But I didn't think that he'd ask THAT.

But we were playing with water balloons in physics, it was fun, though me and Micki didn't make it very far. ; A;

In English Lit I had to endure Ozz and Connor telling a revenge story (both sides though, so it was very interesting).

We were sorting out text messages in Creative Writing, but I was more into chatting with Tyler.

At lunch we were talking about Em and how she's always absent. ; A; I mean, she doesn't intend to be, but she should try harder, methinks.

I played keep away with Vincent's muffin in government... Then I sprug a calculator program I wrote where people lose the game on some kids in my class... It was so fun. I showed it to Alex, who told me to show it to this kid, Anthony, and the kid next to him wanted to see it... Then Anthony told me to show it to Aaron behind him, then I showed it to Scheri.... Ehehehe. I just like doing it to watch people's reactions. I also showed it to Tyler in fourth, but he was laughing because of my silly programming. Where A times 1 equaled B. Meh We also took a political idealogies quiz thing... I'm a moderate, almost in the smack center, lol. Sam Jackson next to me was surprised because she thought she was liberal. I think she is too.

Math was... ehh.

Then, I stayed after school a little because when I asked for Tyler's question today I asked for another one and I felt... bad and obligated to answer the first... Even though I couldn't. So I called Tyler and found him in Mr. Adams room, which is apparently where he hangs on the days he has work. Anyway, I stayed until he left and then he asked if I wanted to walk him to his bus stop. I sarcastically asked if he really needed an escort. On the way out, we saw Micki and she asked what we were doing, I told her that I was escorting him to his bus stop and Tyler said he didn't want to get lost. Then I told Micki that if she went on another coffee date she needed to avoid coffee. Tyler then asked who she was dating, and I said it was a college kid. So, me and him talked some more on the way to his bus stop and there til it came.

...I'm such a bad kiddie. Doing things it would be wiser for me to probably not do. But oh well.

homecoming

2009-10-10T03:53:24Z

I was gonna wear a dress today, but as I was putting it on I remembered that we might be working on our scarecrow in Creative Writing and that I felt kinda.... fat in it. Not because it was tight on me or anything like that. But it was really big and kinda poofy so... Yeah. I decided on a tank, sweater and jeans.

I got to school and was going to the College and Career Center with Malissa, but it was closed...

Or moved. I don't know.

But then I got hit with the idea to get back at Mininger for texting me, so I went to Bycraft's room to ask if I could write Alex a message on the board... No such luck. ; A; Then I had the idea of maybe sending him a gator gram- no luck there either. So... I gave up. Though in first period I asked if Tyler would be against me seeking vengence against his smaller, lighter haired clone. He said that it depended on the severity. It's not like I want to publically humiliate the boy and scar him for life- he's never really bothered me. I mean, I think the worst he's ever done other than the texting thing is splash me in a pool.

Anyway. I really, REALLY did not feel like doing work in Mr. Adams class so I just sat and talked. Tyler had brought his laptop so I was periodically checking what he was doing there.

More food in English, I guess projects are a good excuse to bring in food to class, lol. I liked Sam's monster- a flying bear. And Sean's had the best name- Jack Yoshit.

In Creative Writing we were, as I had figured, working on the scarecrow. It was me, Tyler, and a bunch of the other kids from the original seventeen in Creative Writing- the new kids don't want to do jack squat, like, there were two girls who came to help yesterday and left after... three or so minutes. Urgh. But we got a lot done, but I don't think it'll be entirely finished. ; A; I'll feel sorry if Mr. Kern finishes all by himself... I mean, I helped all four days (and the only one to do so, thank you very much). We should have started it earlier though.

I don't remember much at lunch, but toward the end me, Malissa and Tyler had the idea to steal the Enterprise off of the window downstairs and take it to Mr. Adams. Maliss was like, "Srsly?" Me and Tyler were like, "Srsly." And we went to do it. Tyler and I were pulling it off and Malissa was kind of apprehensive. I don't blame her, but as the math nerd put it, "We are seniors. We do what we want."

Me and Tyler had most of it off, by the time she pulled a bit. Then, we paraded it to the hallway Mr. Adams' room was in. I was telling Malissa to open the door, but some other girl did. Then the bell rang and Malissa left. I said something about Tyler and him going to class but he said something about math being in that hallway. He has math third period (fourth had just let out at this time). So we waited until Mr. Adams' room emptied out and we went in. Mr. Adams, upon seeing us with our prize said, "You guys rock!"

Yes, Mr. Adams, that's why you love us (or at least Tyler) in a non romantic way.

Anywho, he told us to put it up on the back wall, and we did, standing on the desks to do so. While we were putting it on Stephu came in (her fourth period is two rooms away). I was making sure it was on there good and I slipped while moving from one desk to the other and fell forward... or sideways. Tyler happened to be in the direction of the fall and half-caught me. I don't know if I thanked him. I hope I did. It wasn't entirely awkward, but... yeah. Not a situation I want to get myself into.

Additionally, he seems to grow tired of the question game, and wondered if it were okay for him to lose, but I told him the game continues even if he does.

Anywho, homecoming assembly was boring. I always forget how much I hate it until the actual thing. It was warm outside and I didn't get to hear the band loudly enough. ; A;

Harry Potter Club today. And we found that all of the decorations for Spirit Week were gone so Malissa could not get her Slytherin crest. Which makes it very good that me, Tyler and Malissa went after the Enterprise when we did. We were taking pictures of it in his wall (Me, Malissa and Mr. Adams).

Um... I tried on a bunch of dresses earlier. Settled on one. It's short and black. I wanted a tight short dress, but we lack the money to go dress shopping. Also, Alex decided to text me and tell me who he was, though I already knew, and technically he should've known that I knew. I have to ask Tyler if he's the one who instigated that text.

Uh.

Yeah. Tomorrow's Homecoming. I wonder if anything will happen.

re: nostalgic

2009-10-07T01:30:43Z

I don't really want to talk about the dramu that happened last night. But, Shaun wanted to play his online poker and I was working on my physics lab. He asked for an ETA of me being done and I said that I didn't know and maybe around 8.30PM (I ended up finishing a little past ten, but I would've been done earlier if...). Since he wanted to play, and the quality of my lab really wouldn't have changed if I hand wrote it, I got off, but he was like, "No, no, do it right."

It wasn't in one of those caring parental ways, it was in those complaining ways. Well, doing my lab by hand would still be correct. What pissed me off was that he said I had all day to do it- not true. I was out most of yesterday. Did I have all weekend? Maybe, I'm lazy though. Anyway, I still didn't get back on until I decided to call Tyler since me and Malissa (via texting) were getting weird numbers. And then it was ten minutes of amusement as I listened to Tyler rant and rave about Joey not writing an equation on their lab paper, and even better was that Tyler was talking to Joey on MSN so it was kinda like he was talking to Joey with me listening.

Oh so fun.

Anyway, today was the first day of Homecoming/spirit week with Star Wars vs Star Trek day, and it's not entirely a good idea for give kids a good reason to bring light sabers to school. Ha. I had a cheap Darth Mask, and since I wear glasses, I didn't haven it full on. Just on the side of my head. xD; But it was irritating.

Today was the first day that the advanced studies computer kids weren't in the room, and boy was it quiet. We, being me, Malissa and Micki missed our favorite male math nerd bickering with the boy who sits behind Malissa- William, I think his name is. Also, Mr. Adams was disappointed in us, the nerdy class for only having two people dress up for today. Additionally, he fulfilled his role as the teacher of the nerdy class by saying he wanted the paper Yoda and Enterprise in his classroom as decorations. Ha.

We had a pseudo-fire drill today. It wasn't really a drill because I guess one of the smoke detectors went off. Also, fire drills don't happen at the end of the class periods and we aren't outside for twenty or so minutes. Anywho, it happened at the end of physics. Tyler was kind enough to call my phone so we could hear if it was loud enough to be heard in the crowd- it was.

English Lit was boring. I just kinda sat there.

I don't rememeber much of Creative Writing. I think Mr.Kern just went over the categories for the Art and Writing contest. Also, Tyler's question was lame. In regards to that, I think I'm going to start a separate page for that. I'll link when it's done or something.

When I went into Ms. Stricklin's class I got one point of extra credit. So, yay!

Last week I signed up to help after school with our Creative Writing scarecrow. Today me, Tyler and Razia were signed up. There was another girl, but there was no way in hell she was going to show up. Also, since Razia's day apparently ends with fourth period she helped Mr. Kern with the thing during fifth and sixth periods... But not after school, also, Mr. Kern left for a long while to get tape leaving me and Tyler by our lonesome. Not that I minded, but I was hoping Razia would show. I mean... yeah. You know. It wasn't that awkward though. At least I don't think it was. ._.; But, you know that if this had happened a year ago I would've been ecstatic? Anyway, Mr. Kern soon returned and Mrs. Kern came to join us. For as long as I've been going to Green Valley, I've known the Kerns one of the married teacher couples (the Beams and the Snyders as well). Recently, I remarked that no one is married to someone in their department... At least not to my knowledge. Anyway, so it was the four of us working on the thing. Nyar.

Then me and Tyler walked home together since we both live up the hill. We talked about jay-walking (and how much I hate it) and our dogs. I wish I could see Jersey (Tyler's dog), I bet she's totally adorable now (as most all dogs are). But, now that I think about it me and Tyler don't ever really talk about our past. He doesn't because I don't think he wants me to go freak out on him, and me because I have no need to talk about what happened. I'm still curious about some things, so whenever he brings it up I ask. It's not entirely that I'm upset about it all and it's just something I want to forget about, I just.. I don't know.

Also, I took his phone today since he called it at lunch to see if we could hear it there too (which we did) and went through his contacts and... stuff. Nyar. = 3=

text message

2009-10-03T05:32:51Z

So, this morning started off with me and mom trying to get our huge phones activated. It took a while, but alas they were on. They were supposed to be on a little past 11 last night, but that didn't happen. I got to take it and my other ruined phone to school. I was showing off both. Nyar.

A little while I had some weird mystery texter and despite my awesome detective skills I could not find concrete evidence proving this kid was who I thought they were. Anyway, today Tyler came into Computer Science angry. I will admit I've wanted to see Tyler angry for a while, just to see how he appeared. I suppose his anger was controlled, aw.

Anywho. Seems like Alex, Tyler's little brother, tried to guess Tyler's passcode for his Zune and when he couldn't he reset it. Tyler, angry about this, very angry, wanted to spam the kid's phone with text messages and asked for mine and Malissa's phone so he could put in the kid's number. Since I just got a new phone I asked Tyler to put in his number as well. When I looked at the number, I thought it looked kind of familiar, and thought it was the mystery texter I mentioned, but since my phone was totalled I couldn't check, and I didn't care enough to whine about it. A few minutes ago, I remembered that I had asked some of my friends via MSN about the number so I looked in my message history and there it was. Did the numbers match? Yes. Now I hafta ask Tyler about it.

Anyway, we had a physics test today and I didn't study. But, luckily there was only work out problem. I didn't really remember how to do it, but I tried my best. AND GUESS WHAT?! I did it right!... Until I got to the part where it needed an equation from the last test, a test I didn't study for and would have done better if I had memorized the equations... So, I got it wrong there. ; A; I was missing a 2.

We were exchanging our vampire stories in Creative Writing to do some peer editing. The first one I read was by the other visibly obvious otaku in the class, and I could see in it in his paper, but the use of "onee-chan" and Japanese names were not story contributers. It was an okay story. Then, Tyler got to read mine, finally, and he was confused because he thought I was telling the story as if I (emphasis on I) was the vampire. He was all, "Woah, woah! Wait a second! What's this?"

He seemed somewhat horrified and surprised. I told him, calmly that it was from a male perspective and so he wrote at the bottom of my page that I needed to make it seem like it was from a male perspective. I'll change that somtime before Tuesday.

WE HAD FEDERALISM CAKE IN GOVERNMENT. But that wasn't the best part. It turns out me and Joey did the same article and it was the best one in the group so we were presenting. Then, Alana suggested we should run into each other while pretending to text as a demonstration as a joke. Me and Joey took it very seriously, and we got the okay from Mr. Beam to do it... But we ran into the walls instead of each other. One crash into the white board after the other, lol.

I asked Ms. Stricklin to transfer the quadratic calculator onto my graphing calculator and I asked her about the program called "Love" she told me that there was a kid in her class last year that was really into programming. I know that kid, I told her. And I do, after all who is that nerdy? TYLER. So I texted him telling him that Ms. Stricklin remembered him, but not by name. It was very sad and funny.

Rachel beat Nicco in the first game for Harry Potter Club. It was weird. Also, Jimmy came in and I asked him to look over my question game rules. He did and ended up confusing me more, note to self, don't ask Jimmy for help unless you want to be clear with what you're doing.

Then I found out I went over our text message limit by 300. Whoops. Most of these text messages nowadays come from Samu... I don't mean to blame her, as I am at fault too for letting her, but gosh. I should probably get unlimited.

I applied for some jobs at the mall, but... I'm too young for ALL of them. Which sucks.

A lot.

association

2009-10-02T02:21:48Z

It's very easy and very common, at least in my experience, for people to judge others very easily. Judging often starts at first glance, but sometimes, you get someone who will wait until first conversation to start weighing whether or not they like a person. I'm not saying this as an exception to this observation, I do it too, and I always forget to just stop and think.

I've mentioned this in the past, but when I was younger, like, in sixth grade, my best friend from elementary school and I were growing apart. It's only natural when you go to different schools I guess. But, I guess we weren't really as close as I thought since we no longer keep in contact... And, unlike another group of friends, I don't remember her phone number (though I seldom called her). Anyway, in my English class there was a girl named Shelby. Now, Shelby went to the same elementary school as me for a year before transferring. But I remember not liking her in elementary school simply because I thought she looked weird. Though, in middle school, in that English class we sat next to one another and thus got partnered up for projects. Upon talking to her, I found that she and I were similar as people and liked a lot of the same things. Thus a friendship was born.

Anyway.

The point is that even if I don't outwardly like a person, I can inwardly like them, or at least like things that they think and say. Maddie, an overly sarcastic and somewhat mean girl in my English class, is... well, I don't like her. But I appreciate the fact that she's very open with her thoughts and feelings, even though I don't appreciate that time she made a mockery of something that really happened to me. Anyway, this girl once said something akin to, "Happiness is overrated." Yeah. I think she's right, and I read an article on Newsweek that supports that... There was another quote in that article said, "Happiness should not be the goal, but a byproduct." That's right... Or so I think.

I'm getting of the intended topic.

I just spent around twenty or so minutes reading through this one girl's tumblr. She and I have never exchanged words, not once. I've seen her around the hallways of my school and looked at her with varying expressions. I know her name, and maybe she knows mine, but that's about it. There's something that links me and her, just like there's something that links me and every other person in my school, but that link is irrelevant. As I was reading, I thought to myself, I don't know her, but I like the way she thinks. She's a very uplifting person, I thinks. One day, I'd like to get to know her, but I don't know if that's really possible. Oh well.

Not much happened at school today, not much that I can remember anyway. Though, it's a... routine to make fun of Tyler's sexy pink phone. He always says that it's just a phone, but hey, it's kinda fun. lol. Also, I told Tyler about what happened last night so his daily question was related to that. I don't rememebr what he said exactly, but I think he's starting to enjoy the game a bit because he doesn't know the rules... I need to finish writing them out, lol.

I was working today at lunch for fundraising (I kinda find it funny how Tyler asks me everyday if I'm working and everyday I tell him that I work the days he works first lunch and with him on Friday). It was just me and Courtney (with Eric and some other kid around for a little bit), and then Tyler came once he was done inside, but before that Courtney was telling me how the Starburst thing was making no money at all (we didn't even make enough to cover one of the gift cards we had as a prize), and I responded that if the thing were a dollar, it would have been worse. Frankly, I didn't really think it would do well from the beginning, but hey, it's good enough to try, right? Popcorn and hot chocolate and other stuff like that will be much more sucessful, I think.

Anywho. We had a competition in Government and me, Sam, and Scheri were pretty much owning everyone... Unfortunatly, the bonus question Mr. Beam decided to spring on us got us. I thought of the right answer, but alas, I didn't say anything... Trust your instincts! You gotta do that! Cuz your subconscious is often right! Anywho, we still got extra credit. The best thing that happened was one question asking about a Supreme Court case and Team 6 (aka Asians + 1) wrote their answer as "Chuck Norris vs. Bruce Lee." That was awesome. But then another team, the one with the forensics kids in it wrote "U GOT HENTAI?" (it was Kyle, not soccer!Kyle) and that just set them off. Mr. Beam scolded them. Then, with the tie breaker no one got it right, but Joey's team and... Veronica's team were arguing about who deserved it because each was just a letter off. Mr. Beam decided to give us all extra credit.

See, teenagers are quite competitive, lol.

thankful

2009-10-01T05:55:06Z

The thing I hate the most about crying is the horrible headache I get afterwards.

I've always been a crybaby, you know. Always.

Lately, the whole issue of talking, or communicating with people has come up. Not with Amber or any of my close friends... But I think it's mostly with people I want to be close to. Like... Tyler and... my mom.

Because I don't really want to talk about the former, let's talk about the latter. Last night mom and Shaun got home around the same time I finished my homework and was going through the motions of going to bed. Since I'm pretty lazy, I didn't go downstairs to say good night, even though I knew they were home. So, mom comes upstairs and says goodnight, then Shaun comes knocking on my door telling me that I should've come downstairs to say goodnight since I knew they were home and that my mom would've done the same for me (questionable). Me being tired and wanting to go to bed (it was around 11:30) just went, yep, yep, yep.

So, I come home from school today and I see the walls of my room. I don't like my door being left open but for privacy issues, but I just don't like open doors. I go up there and my door is gone. Great. There's also a note from my mom (obvious because she spelled my name right) saying that I was inconsiderate and stuff and I don't do my chores (which is kind of true, but I've been good these past few days and have done my chores) and... yeah. I think the chore thing is what set me off. I got mad and then ripped my phone in half (yes, I broke my phone). Our wireless service goes out tomorrow so... yeah.

Then I realized that a ton of phone numbers that I need and don't know by heart and my alarm clocks are on that phone. Greaaat.

So I spent a good... I don't know two and a half hours crying and being... upset. I cleaned my room up a bit too. Then I took a nap til mom got home.

Then we talked some about how I don't care about the people I live with and act as if I live alone. How my communication skills suck. How I'm ungrateful little girl. Mm. So, yeah. I mean, I guess saying it this way, might just prove their point, but that's just how I am. And by taking away my door they're trying to forcibly change me, which I don't appreciate. Yes, maybe I should talk more about stuff. Yes, maybe I should try to show that I care more. And it's okay if they want that for me too, but to try to make me do it by taking away my door isn't the way to go about it, I don't think. It's something I should want for myself and only myself. In the end, taking away my door isn't going to make me want to change. Shaun (and maybe my mom a bit) want me to be normal by talking more and being a better kid, why? I guess cuz it's bad to be different. But I'm not normal, I don't believe in normal. So, in a way, trying to change me in this way is kind of insulting to me and makes me feel like they don't accept me for who I am. It's like, sorry I can't meet your expectactions. I mean, I don't (nor have any desire to) go out and party and drink and have sex like some of the people my age do. I don't want to get in trouble so I stay home, I study a bit and try to achieve good grades. But that's not good enough.

And you know what. Everytime we have money issues at home I kinda get the feeling that they get vented on me. Yeah. I need to get a job. ._.; But I kind of get the vibes of... "There a problem. It must be Nikki's fault."

Computer's not working. It's Nikki's fault.
We don't have enough money for xxx. It's Nikki's fault.
Things are sucky at work. It's Nikki's fault.

Maybe I'm over-exagerating a bit, but that's how I honestly feel. Maybe they aren't blaming it on me, but I feel that it's getting taken out on me.

This ordeal just makes me not want to have kids, you know. I don't want my hypothetical children suffering from this kind of crap.

falsehoods

2009-09-30T04:39:34Z

So, yeah. Last night, apparently, Shaun ran out of RAM (I'm assuming it's RAM) while he was playing poker and therefore couldn't play anymore. Which is a shame, but apparently he really freaked out. There have been some familial issues going around the home, especially those concerning money.

Anyway, this morning I spent some time trying to clean up the memory before I went to school. Um... Micki wasn't here today so I couldn't get the table for the physics lab from her. Malissa offered me hers, but since it's due a week from tomorrow I think I can stand to not have it for one day. But, as per usual, my work ethic was sub par in Computer Science... Meh.

I don't know if I mentioned this in my previous entries, I doubt it, but I started playing a little "game' with Tyler. It's basically twenty questions only... expanded. There are some more complicated rules as well as my reasons for bringing up the game, but all will be revealed... one day. But, see, it requires him to ask me questions, so there's no real gain for me in playing this game. Or no apparent gain. :D I'll reveal all when the game is over. And, unlike in twenty questions there is a way to lose and win this game.

...But I'm not entirely sure how that works yet- I'm still working out all the rules, lol.

Anyway, since Tyler wasn't going to be in fourth period for the majority of the time, I decided to get the question from him in first (second is a bit harder to do).

Mmm. I finally had all my physics homework done, for once... But I still didn't do super good... But I did figure out how to do the hardest question for me! Though I mixed sine and cosine... Mr. Panik was also doing a demo-type thing with doubling/tripling weight, but a bunch of guys were doing it. I did... And made this embarassing grunting sound when I tried... Nyar. Me and Tyler tried to convince Malissa to do it, but she refused. Tyler did it eventually. At the end of class, when Tyler was talking to Joey and probably Malissa I decided to put a bunch of pink flags on his backpack. Sam Stewart saw me doing so and was like, "What are you doing? You're going to ask him to homecoming aren't you?"

"No!" I protested. I had and have no intentions to ask Tyler to homecoming. Sure, I want to, but first, I figure he'd refuse, but even then, if we went it would be as friends, and I refuse to go t a dance with Tyler as my date on those terms. Yeah. Additionally, if I were going to ask him to homecoming I'd most definetely utilize a math problem or something in doing so.

But anyway, Sam insisted that I was, and then Tyler came around (I had put the flags away in my backpack by this point) and was like. "Really?" (referring to the flags, not to what Sam had said) I feigned innocence. He later insisted that he saw me do it.

I got hungry (as I usually do) in lit so I brought out my lunch like I usually did. Ms. Brooks was not having that and told me to put my food away. Apparently she thought I was knitting... Right. Anyway, we're doing a monster project in lit and me and Samu are working together but... after fourth period she kept sending me texts about it. @_@;;

Tyler appeared at the very beginning of Creative Writing before heading off to do fundraising during first lunch. After he left Shane and Vance were using the class' computer to try and print out Vance's vampire story... But they couldn't find the file. Since the reigning computer nerd was gone, I got up and helped them out. Nyar. They thought the right flash drive was not the right one. But it was and I win! :D

At lunch, I was doing fundraising (after fourth Tyler returned with the basket full of fundraising stuffs) and it seemed we were going to be using a different table, which Tyler had forgotten to tell me. But it was soon settled and me and Malissa, Eric and Courtney tried to fundraise. Stupid Jimmy came by twice and didn't help out (he's not in the club, but, you know). Eric was also nice enough to give me one of his bags of chips. :) So nice. Tyler eventually joined us, but we didn't get very much fundraising done.

future

2009-09-29T02:37:39Z

Yes, I know I haven't blogged in a while... Life's been kinda busy.

I prolly will get back to talking about my normal daily life soon, but anyway.

So, being my senior year I find that I have NO IDEA how to go about applying for colleges. Maybe I actually do know and I'm not being assertive enough, but whatever. I know I have to ask my counselor to send my official transcript and ask teachers for letters of recommendation. Is that it? I hope that's it... I know there are application essays and filling out of forms too... But... urgh. It's just... you have to do this and this and this. I suppose maybe it should be self-explanitory when doing it... but... yeah.

Do I have to have a form to ask my teachers for those letters or do I just ask? I don't know. It's very... scary. I wish they'd tell us. Additionally, Shaun didn't go to college (hell, he didn't even finish high school) so he knows as much about the subject as a sack of potatoes and mom... well, who knows with her. I think the system was different for her.

...nyar. Dx

I'm freaking out because I filled out an application for a college and.... bawww. *mouth foam*

nomination

2009-09-15T00:01:57Z

Grawr.

So, I was not in the mood for school this morning and I lazed away in bed til seven.

This is momentarily off topic but I JUST realized that I have no homework tonight-

The cool side to having tests tomorrow is the fact I don't have homework for those classes. The bad side is that... I have tests.

Anyway, uh. Went to school, it was obviously a shot cooller than it was last week because I didn't sweat on the way to school. :D But we were doing stuff in computer science. As much as I DO like the class, I just don't like doing work- I think I've kept the mentality I had toward the last year in math. Oh, sob, my lowest grade is in the class (above an eighty, but still).

Uh. There was reviewing going on in Physics.. Toward the end, Tyler got up looked like he was heading toward my desk then turned to go over to where Malissa was. Odd.

In Creative Writing we learned that Sam was leaving us. ; A; Mr. Math Nerd said he didn't want her to leave cuz she inspired him to write with her creativity. Nyar. Good writers inspire me. So we had these word image things that Mr. Kern printed out. Me and Tyler were about to spot his cuz the word 'math' was the biggest thing on the page. Looking at it later, there was another word that intersted me more, but whatever. Vance and... some other girl had Tyler's and Vance kept looking over at Tyler because of eveything that was on there, pointed at Tyler... Which it did. Then the two with mine came up... When they were talking it sounded like mine and I wasn't entirely sure if it was mine til I looked at it and it had one of the character's names in there.

When we were going to lunch Tyler told me he was worried because the word 'heroine' was in the word art (obviously confused with heroin) but was relieved to hear that it was a story. He'd know if I dabbled in that kind of business.

Tahnne came to visit us at lunch! :D Twas good to see her~

I stayed after for Key Club and there were a lot less people than there were before... They had to do elections for Homecoming nominations and being a senior I was eligible. Me, Amber and Micki went into the hall as everyone voted and we were doing dances as some forensics kids watched and filmed us. Weirdos. Anyway, I was actually able catch sight of the votes on the board. Mine looked like a retarded seven, Amber had a five and Micki had an eleven... But it turns out I got the nomination. I was surprised because I figured Micki would. But anyway, it's not like I'll win or even get on homecoming court. Nyar. But then Nicole was like, "Who are you asking to Homecoming? You should ask Alex!" We all laughed cuz it was funny (Alex won the king nomination).

...that's about it. I might go to Walgreens and buy some mix to bake some shit. :D

observations

2009-09-11T23:42:31Z

Nyar.

I find that I never really like doing worksheets in Computer Science, I'd rather just write out code, lol. I'm weird, huh.

Um... Oh. So, last night before I went to bed I was talking to Joey on MSN, and Alex needed help printing out his America essay for government. I don't see why Joey couldn't do it (but then again, I didn't ask), however, I didn't mind helping a friend out. Alex has lent me his math homework multiple times so it's the least I can do. Though, sometimes I do forget to do things in the morning (my mind is always kinda foggy)... so I asked Tyler (who I was also talking to at the time) to send me a text reminding me to print that out. Sometimes, I'm not entirely sure if it's good to entrust Tyler to remember something, but his memory has seemed to improve.

But I guess I didn't need to ask him to because I dreamt about forgetting to print it out.

So, I got up around 6:55AM to check the computer so I could print it out. Turns out while I was gone Tyler sent the text, ahaha. Didn't need it in the end, but shows his memory really is improving. Anyway. I check my email and... Alex's essay is NOT there. Which really worried me. But, there was something in my spam folder so I checked it. Luckily, it was there so I copy and pasted it into MS Word and formatted it and spell checked... Which is good because it brought to light some grammar errors that I might have not noticed... So I did some proofing on it so Alex's grade wouldn't be marked down for being somewhat incoherent. Then I went upstairs to change for school... While I was gone someone called my phone, but I didn't know who it was...

Since proofreading took longer than I thought I got a ride to school. :D

Mmm. We were working on... physic-y things in physics...I don't rememeber which is bad. But we have a test on Tuesday... Also bad. Urgh. Gotta ask Tyler/Malissa for some... guidance, lol. But we were working on this problem at the end of class and I started working on it... A few minutes later Tyler came over to see if I was finished (HA, no) and I'm not entirely smart with that kinda thing like he is, so I was embarassed cause I was sure that I had done something wrong. Though, as it often occurs with me, emotion clouds logical thinking so instead of asking Tyler for help like I SHOULD have, I said something like he was distracting (that's what he said I said, I don't think that's what I said though... I don't know) and he walked off to go see Malissa or something. Said he'd come back. Did not. ; A; I shoulda asked for help, darnit.

Sam and Connor switched seats in English Lit and Sam enlightened me to some... drama that's occurring. I'm hoping not to get my hands stained with it, but you know how teenagers are.

We were reading more in creative writing... ARGH... I wanna write... But we had an interesting journal, we had to examine these objects without looking at them and describe them. Twas fun.

Mmm... Amy was back from having her surgury so she was around for lunch. :D Though the poor girl still seemed to be in pain... ; A; Also... hm... Tyler was listing off his vocabulary words... and they were... crap. Like. The type of things children... have. Like arrest and cop and stuff. Pathetic. He's in the stupid class, but that's way beyond... Gee. Vincent also appeared. We were going to have a current events quiz in government so he came over to read the articles. Oddly enough, he sat on the floor between me and Malissa. I figured he'd go back to his table... Nicco was leaving at the same time as this so Malissa offered him her old chair. It was kinda weird... Because there were two males at the table. He was also commenting on the articles and participating in the conversations (Tyler was talking about his math class, and he has the same teacher so...).

I think the current events discussion was more... active than last week so I'm sure Mr. Beam must've been happy about that. Hm.

Also, math class is... weird because me, Rayn and Nicole talk about the strangest things. o_o;;

I stayed after for Harry Potter Club and it was kind of a discussion... But mostly it was Nicco talking and gathering opinions... Though it was a while before we could get in the room because first Mrs. Kern had left and second Nicco and Em were MIA. They both turned up later though... Also, Rachel was there... oh gosh, I did not miss her. She has a death grip hug which feels like torture when it's around your waist. Dx

So, little Shaun has football practice and I'm not going. Why? School work. Though... I don't know why but Shaun does not seem happy with me... Maybe he was just annoyed at something else... I hope so. ; A;

Also, I hate the college board site. Does not let me register for the SAT. rawr.

stupid

2009-09-10T22:14:08Z

"Every part I see is stupid!"

Just watched a clip from Pandora Hearts from episode twenty where Gil and Alice are arguing.

Anyway, I want to actually start on my homework for once, so I'll try to be brief.

The servers were down or something this morning so we spent twenty minutes in Computer Science doing nothing. Well... I was trying to work on my essay for English Lit, but I... I have a hard time starting such essays, especially when I don't have a clue what I'm supposed to be saying. But then the computers were back up so we had to do work... But I finished the thingy early so I checked my email and made a filler update.

Um... We were working on stuff in physics. Projectile motion? Yeah. Projectile motion. It's not entirely that I don't understand what we're talking about, I just... I can't apply it. I mean, I process, but I can't spit it out. Ugh. It makes me feel stupid. I'm kind of scared of Nick, my table partner... Though, I don't really know him. But he always goes straight to Sage and Savannah when we're to discuss. Wish I sat next to Malissa or Tyler cuz I wouldn't be as scared to ask them... Though Malissa might regard me with the "are you stupid" look. D:

Uhhhh. I did manage to finish that essay. It was crap though. xP I did the whole thing during announcements, so I think that's kinda... cool (not).

I had money today so I bought a chocolate milk-can thing... (YooHoo?) Though I was still kinda hungry, I opted to save money.

I just remembered. I was very frustrated in Computer Science because Sam kept texting me the same thing over and over. She appeared to have taken a trip to UNLV to tour the campus and stuff. I don't really want to go to UNLV so... yeah. I think she's forgotten that I don't have unlimited texts... or something. Anyway, we're (hopefully) going to the movies with Tucker and Alyssa (haven't seen THAT pairing in a while, lol) and then a... pool party afterward. I might swim. Someone (TUCKER) will probably push me in...

Anyway.

We watched Obama's speech from last night in Government. I wasn't really paying too much attentio because I was writing... My class isn't very vocal... But that's okay because the IB kids like to come in and talk... And make the rest of us feel kind of... dumb. Yesterday it was just Remington. Today we had... Jan, Alia, Ed and Remington (in order of appearance). But still they kinda made us look... spacey. Colton asked Joey if the IB kids had anything better to do and, apparently, they didn't. They have until May to read this textbook. Meh.

I actually finished the math assignment due tomorrow early so... yay! But I made more fail as I did the wrong problem, lol.

It's okay, I guess. I'm just not all there.

Now I will try to do homework.

spacer

2009-09-10T15:47:22Z

I actually should be working on an essay right now.

But I don't really want to do it. Darned Ms. Brooks.

....I need a better work ethic or something like that.

sob.

Uh. I had a weird dream last night. I was at school and some kid was texting me, but I told him that I had bad reception in the tech center when I was in the English hallway... Anyway, this kid gave me a giant basket full of notebooks and letters and stuff... I don't know why, but he told me that they were going to be important. Then I was in a store place that sold jeans...

Yeah.

I have weird dreams.

...Yeah.

disarm

2009-09-10T00:51:53Z

Nyar. So I have this really bad stomach ache during first period today. So bad that I had no will/desire to concentrate on the worksheet I was supposed to be working on (which is also now homework). I was hoping that I could supress the inner demons until at least second period because I didn't want to use ome of my bathroom passes, but eventually I gave in. I felt better after going to the bathroom though... lol. I actually thought I lost my iPod, because when I left the bathroom it wasn't in my pocket, so I went back to check... Not there. It was on my table space in the classroom though.

Poor Tyler was busy last night with his work stuff so he asked to see my homework. I don't particularly mind (not that I have any right to because I tend to take his stuff and ask him for help and... stuff), but I wasn't entirely... confident in my answers. Physics never really was my best subject though. So why am I in physics still? I don't know.

All we ever seem to do in third period is... have group presentations. Seriously. It's not like I mind because I can just write in my little white notebook, but... yeah. Usually at least one person says something interesting during discussion. Today, Michael said that he could disarm every alarm in his neighborhood. Kinda scary, but also funny. I doubt he'd go breaking into people's house. It's kind of like how I have a lock-pick but I don't (or know how to) use it.

We were reading again in fourth period. I still wanted this darned pizza we read about yesterday. Urgh. Hawaiian pizza.... Pineappleeeee. Canadian baconnnn. It sounds so darn goood. Other than that though, I want less reading, more writing. Rawr. Also, I snagged and read Tyler's journal (not so much snagged because I DID ask) besides it's not like any of the past entries have been insanely personal... But, I always get surprised by the way he goes about thinking of things... or something like that. I kind of laughed when I was reading today's entry, but that was because I thought the way he worded one sentence was funny (the sentence probably was very serious). But yeah. Me wants more writing.

Mr. Kern was also talking about how they're thinking of dissolving the class because there are only a few people in it and they need to make another composition class... But there was an idea to put some kids into Creative Writing so I really hope they do that cuz I don't want the class to go away.

Hm... In government when Vincent came in he was all like... "I blame you, Nikki! Your presentation sucked! It's all your fault!" Of course he's joking, but... yeah. I told him to blame Joey who I saw appear then disappear... So then he blamed Joey. Then he blamed Michael. Then he blamed Remington (who ISN'T in that class, but just decided to appear). Remington proceeded to make the whole class feel stupid with his smart talks.

Also, Joey said that Remington only listens to smart kids and band kids. Too bad.

Eh. Math. Math's okay. Ms. Stricklin was talking about teaching some lessons with Mr. Panik. Hm. Not good for me, lol.

Uh... FBLA was smaller today. Not as many returned. Also, club meetings have been changed to Thursdays. So now I have... Monday, Thursday, and Friday club dates. Not so bad, I guess. Tyler made an appearance before he carted himself to the bus stop for work. He said he wasn't feeling better, but he seemed better today.

Then... I got home after FBLA and spent an hour taking apart the keyboard to see if there were any internal problems... (Like it being wet under there...) but it was dry, so I put it back together now... It's been okay so far, but it could still be broken, you know. Kinda scared for that. Also, you can tell I took it apart. Part of the... palm-rest thing is raised, but you can't tell so much unless you pick it up and look at the space there.

...Next time I think about taking electronics apart, tell me not to or something.

idiocy

2009-09-07T07:00:43Z

I'm stupid because I read things over and try to find hope in them.

Nikki, you lamer.

numb

2009-09-07T03:49:08Z

Nyar. I mentioned Alex in the last entry and what happened after me and him were... together, if we can really call it that. The aftermath of that was a lot different in the aftermath of me and Tyler. Practically the opposite, I think. Ahaha.

Anyway. Hm. How did it go?

Well. I was more of an accessory than a girlfriend. Tossed out once I proved no longer useful. Maybe I'm being harsh on him, but there's no denying that he was a sexist pig. Why would I date someone like that? I don't even know. But he and I would often get into arguments of who was superior. I'd say we were even, he would say he was better. It was very frustrating. Looking back, I doubt he actually liked me, and just preyed on the fact that he thought I was interested.

That occured when, one day, I had asked about his love life. I guess doing that is a sign that one is interested. I was merely curious because of some rumors I heard. Naturally, I didn't tell him that. I posted something on myspace proclaiming that I didn't like him. Amy messaged me asking if I was really sure of that. I guess that could've been where it started.

I'd rather not go into the specifics of that entire relationship-type thing. Not because it was horrible, it's just downright embarassing how incredibly naïve I was.

I've told people many times about how he dumped me the day I told him that I couldn't go to Sadies due to family-friend issues. Isn't that just a nice little coincidence? That afternoon when I told him that I couldn't. There was something on the look of his face that just screamed 'it's over.' I went home and logged onto AIM, and he logged on and we talked a bit. He mentioned how I acted weird around Reneé who I was sure he hated... or something like that.

Afterwards Mom and I went to Faith's house. But but before we left, I made sure to leave the computer on and appear as away. I had a feeling that it would be important for me to. When we got to Faith's house I went immediatly to the guest room and cried myself to sleep. Sometime later, I'm not sure when, either mom or Faith told me to go eat dinner before me and mom went home.

The kitchen in Faith's house (where the dining room also was) wasn't very bright at the time, but at the same time it wasn't very dark. I remember sitting at the table, and the light above the table was on. It was very bright. My mom had made adobo or something like she often did when we went to Faith's house. I didn't eat much. I wasn't very hungry.

When we got home, I checked the computer and lo and behold there were seven (yes, I remember the exact number) IMs from Alex. I don't remember what each one individually said, but the last one said the infamous 'we need to talk.' Since he obviously could not get ahold of me via AIM, I knew that my email would be where he would go next. He never called. Ever. The only phone conversation I ever had with Alex was when I called him on his birthday. By the way, I wasn't invited to his birthday party. It was probably just a family only thing, I rationalized at the time. Not that that matters now.

In my inbox was the break up email. There was no doubt that it was the break-up letter due to the subject title (maybe we should be friends). I read it, sent a lengthy response, and then went to bed. Or tried to go to bed. I couldn't sleep that night and awoke around three or four in the morning. I got on the computer and listened to some music. Sad music. I don't know if my mom was home at that time or if I went back to sleep.

I went to school... and this is where I really began to blank out. I don't remember anything that happened between the morning and lunch. I don't think I shed any tears at school though. At lunch, I remember just sitting. I wasn't hungry. I was just... sitting. I had that sensation you get when you're tired and start spacing out because you need to stay awake. My mind was kind blank... I don't know if anyone else at the table said anything to me.. But I remember Sam appearing and asking me if I was Alex's girlfriend. I laughed (humorlessly) and told her that he was wrong. She told me that he seemed to think I was and skipped off.

The next thing I remember was Alex approaching me after school asking if I got his email. I told him I did and that I responded. I don't think he really cared.

I had told friends of mine that we had broken up... Though... I don't remember the specifics. Then, at the end of the week, I was waiting for my mom to pick me up and I saw Alex and this other kid who's name I can't remember how to spell. They were talking about his new girlfriend. I think Alex was showing off and saying how I was jealous. I wasn't. I just wanted him to go away. When I got home that day I was talking to Angelina who told me his new girlfriend was Renee (I doubt this information now, since I hear Renee has been with the same guy since freshman year, but I don't know).

I don't really recally very much from this time, but then again it's been three years. I remember not being able to sleep well for a few nights. Not being hungry. Ever. And being a zombie, pretty much. The next thing that happened that I remember was Tucker's Christmas party. I was kinda... Iunno, having a tiny crush on my blond pal. It was that kind of... cling to the nearest... thing kinda thing. You know? Rebound? Like that. Actually, after the party Tucker did ask me out over Gaia, but nothing became of that. He and Alyssa got back together after that... Yeah. It wasn't such a big loss.

It was at Emily's party where everyone kind of scolded me about the Tucker-dating thing. It's always good to have friends to scold you back so that you're back in the right state of mind, lol.

Anyway, I was slowly recovering and.... unnumbing, if that makes sense. Recovering, perhaps? The fact that I never saw Alex during the regular school day helped a lot, I think (we always met up after school). I tried to use that tactic as best I could when it came to Tyler, anyway. I didn't see Alex until around the school musical, Oklahoma was being advertised. The kids who were in it were walking around in costume around lunch. I think I saw Alex making a beeline for our table and I got up and ran over to Sean, Tyler and Kevin's table to ask them for food like I normally did every so often. When I returned to the table Stephanie told me that they had told Alex that he wasn't wanted there.

So that's what happened there. I felt really dead. I don't think I can really put the feeling into words. There's 'numb' but I don't think that word really justifies the completely feeling of emptiness. I didn't care about much. I slept less, but never really felt tired. In a way, that feeling is kind of comforting, because in that state you can't feel pain either. You just exist, but you don't really care for existing. Your days pass by slowly, yet quickly because you don't really acknowledge what's going on. It's an empty sorrow.

I've mentioned a few times how I felt kind of relieved that that empty sorrow didn't hit me after Tyler.

I think I've also mentioned how I wish it did.

melancholic

2009-09-06T22:50:00Z

First, I have to mention how I find it funny that two weeks into school my heightest grade is in AP Physics. I'm sure that it'll go down when the lab that was due Friday is graded. Micki was kind enough to put my name on the lab she wrote up since I was emotionally incapable at the time to finish my lab (additionally, I was kind of lost because the number Malissa gave me did not add up). I really owe her one. ; A; We did a mini lab on Friday and I volunteered to do the write-up for her and I, but she said she wanted to do it herself.

I need to do said lab write up. I'm working on getting better with my homework habits, you know? I've done all the homework that is due Tuesday. On Monday I'll probably mess with the lab write up and my America essay. And the story notes for evil Ms. Brooks. She herself is not evil, but I wish she'd give less work out.

Anyway, I digress.

The reason I was emotionally incapable of finishing my lab on Thursday night was because of Tyler. Yep. Tyler. I've realized that I don't have boy problems anymore. I have Tyler problems. lol. Anyway. It's no secret that I still like the guy despite the disapproval of some people. It's not entirely that I want to like him, I just kind of... do. I'm sure sooner or later said feelings of unrequited affections for the poor boy will die out and I will resume having boy problems.

It's not entirely his fault that I was... upset on Thursday. First off, he brought up something I didn't want to think about. Second, I was kind of hormonal (yep, it sucks being a girl) and I've been kind of emotionally delicate. *cough* I was actually crying at the beginning of physics on Friday. Luckily, no one saw. I don't think my table partner, Nick, pays me much mind. Like, Mr. Panik told us to discuss something one day and he immediatly turned to Sage and that other girl who's name I cannot spell but also starts with an S and talked to them. I don't mind being ignored so much, but I was kind of confused and I was also kind of scared to ask Nick to explain to me.

I'm getting off topic again.

So, basically, Tyler said, or, actually, he asked if I knew that he wasn't going to be going out with me again. I was a bit stunned, not because he stated that kind of bluntly but because I was trying to work on a lab and saying something like that is going to make me upset. Second, I didn't tell him this, but yes, I know that he's not going to go out with me again. I also didn't tell him, but I never intended nor will I ever intend to ask him out again. I made a promise back on that day I lasted asked him out that I would never do that again. I asked him in hopes he would turn me down and therefore I'd be able to get over him and go on and like some other guy (look how well that turned out Nikki you lamer). I think he brought it up because I appeared to be flirting with him like I was before we went out.

I just had a flashback to examples that prove his point.

But anyway, the problem with me is that I don't know how to actively flirt. Like, I can tell, usually, when people are people flirting with me, but I can't do it at least not intentionally. So, maybe I was flirting with him, but it wasn't that I meant to. I was just being kinda playful, you know? I guess with me, there's a fine line between being a silly little kid playing and a silly little girl flirting.

I was also talking to Micki, trying to do my lab and remain emotionally calm at the same time as talking to Tyler, so I took longer to respond than I normally would have, so I guess he got a little worried about me crying, I didn't cry at the time, but I cried a little later on. There were parts of the conversation when he was trying to lighten the mood but you know me. It was considerate of him, but I was pretty darned upset. ...I guess maybe I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but you know. I just... don't know.

Wow. LJ is freaking out... My computer has been acting really weird as of late. I'm kind of worried.

I told him that it's very painful for me to remember it all. He said that it's okay to remember, but not to dwell on the bad parts. Frankly, there weren't any bad parts that were in the relationship, if you ask me. And it's not like I was miserable during the whole thing. I think it's kind of odd for me. I take things very personally (not intentional), but I normally don't worry about it for too long- well, normally. Like, when Shaun does something that makes me upset, I'll be upset for a few hours then be okay the next day. Anyway, like I said, it's not something I want to remember because bad things happened but because remembering makes me very sad.

He gave me another reason why it ended which was different than the previous reasons. Of course with these kinds of things it's not always one concrete thing that is the cause of failure, but... yeah. I'm sure that there were multiple reasons why it failed, but I just feel like that I'm missing something. I'm probably crazy or something, right? I think, I honestly think that before he mentioned it that I was getting better, and coming closer to just letting it go. I know it's not his fault, but now I feel like I've take a few steps backwards.

Tyler mentioned that he felt bad for my emo-ish appearence. That wasn't his fault really, it... I don't know. I was sad. Just really sad. Always just sad. I didn't like being sad. I didn't like people coming up to me asking why I was so sad. I think it's kind of natural to be upset after a break up, so yeah. Recovery time varies from person to person and situation to situation. I... I think I'm a lot more cheerful than I was a few months ago now, though. I don't get so melancholy anymore. But, I often mentally compare this situation to the one with Alex. They're different. I was dead. I was just... devastated. Of course, I can't honestly recall all that happened during that time (I destoyed the blog that the entries chronicling that time in my life). But... I was... numb. I'm getting off topic with this entry (the next one will be about that period).

With Tyler it was the exact opposite. After the end I felt too much. Anger. Sorrow. Confusion. I didn't understand. I wondered to myself what kind of problems there must have been. I wondered why he didn't bring any of these problems to me. I may be childish at times, but I'm willing to talk things out. Of course, since he said he was uninterested that explains things. But the thing is, that doesn't match up. There are things Tyler's said and done that contradict that. It's possible that Tyler didn't realize he wasn't interested until later on- but if that's really the case, I honestly don't believe we would've lasted the summer.

I think I'm rambling a bit now. Bah. Anyway, Tyler also said that he was just interested in dating, and not dating me specifically. Meaning, it really didn't matter if it were me or some other girl. I shouldn't take it personally, but... that's kind of hurtful for what I think are obvious reasons. I don't know. I guess I'm just thinking too much about it.

Maybe he's right and it was just puppy love.

But if that were true... wouldn't it have died by now?

By the way, MSN really seems to be the problem with my computer. So I won't be on it for a while mostly likely.

first.

2009-08-25T00:41:18Z

mya. i'm too lazy to go into complete detail about my first day of my senior year.

this is probably why i should, if i intend to, blog right when i get home.

anyway.

it was fun. i already saw my classes on parentlink the other night so the big surprise was who was in what class. of course, i knew that i was going to have malissa in my first and second period and tyler in those two classes with malissa and in fourth. what i didn't know was that micki was going to be in my first two classes as well... yay for micki!

nyar. really smart to blog after school... really.

oddities that stick out are the fact that i thought i grabbed tucker's name when it was someone else's... at lunch, tyler ended up getting his name though. i don't know who ended up with it in the end... me and malissa were trying to push him into the hallway that his fifth period class, but we failed. *cough* i pulled and pushed as hard as i could. also, tyler was hanging around more than i thought he would. like, he showed up in the morning where me and my pals hang, and he sat nearby in all the classes i had with him. but that's because we're good friends, isn't it? xP

um. yeah. i had classes with people i wouldn't think i would like nicole tatro and nicole kahn...

...this is so half-assed, i hope it's better tomorrow.

temptation

2009-08-23T06:56:10Z

soooooooooooo.

i've always been bad at resisting temptation, but i've also thought it's a bad idea to give the schedules the first day of school so that scheduling conflicts could be squared away a little easier.

so, i know my classes.

i think that, to retain the fun, i'm not going to tell anyone my classes.

most everything i found out were things that i already saw coming (i.e. my two classes with Malissa and my three with Tyler)

i will say that i'm not happy that i got stricklin. Dx

distasteful

2009-08-22T04:55:41Z

I've mentioned in the past how insulting it is to be dumped because I watch anime, right?

So, earlier I was reading something where one of the people is killed by a hit to the head from an aluminum bat. I suppose it's possible to kill someone that way, but I wasn't so sure so I made a comment about it. The writer told me that that it was possible and that because I watch anime I probably think that people can't be killed unless it's by a giant sword or demon powers... not the exact wording but something akin to that.

Yeah.

To me, that's pretty insulting.

I mean, just because I watch anime does not mean I think that. Maybe I don't know what can and can't kill people, but I don't want such knowledge. I may be weird, but not enough to want to actually kill someone. And watching anime doesn't mean I have some crazy beliefs on how easy and hard it is to kill people. I know the difference between anime and reality.

Gee.

I'm still annoyed.

outing

2009-08-14T21:31:12Z

Lalalala.

Sorry, had no idea how to start this.

Anywho, so, today, me and my pal Dustin from elementary school made plans to hang out- though living where I live there's nothing to do... (oh, I hope I didn't complain to much orz). So we hung at the mall for a while, walked around and talked a bit. Then the mall got boring and we went to Barnes and Noble, then he dropped me off at my house cuz he said his parents wanted him home by two... Hope he didn't get bored. ; A; I can be a boring person sometimes. sob.

That aside, I had fun. :3 So I hope we get to hang out again sometime soon. Though that'll prolly be hard cuz we live on opposite sides of town.

SOO. When I got home mom told me that Shaun had been all pissed off that he didn't get to meet Dustin (I figured he'd get mad over something like this so I was begging for Shaun to leave before Dustin appeared). I mean, I can understand him being bothered, but I think it's a little outta line to be telling my mom that she should maybe consider moving to Hawaii (Faith told there was a job offering for my mom there). So, I hope we don't get yelled at when he gets home... With the medicine thing that happened yesterday and that today, I guess he's a little more irritable, but I don't know why. Meh. Iunno. I don't want to move.

...lalalala. xD;

She's flitting around the house now wanting to clean. I feel like she's trying to appease him or something. Meh.

approval

2009-08-14T06:36:27Z

I'm not used to giving people thank you cards. I was never raised doing so. A few years back, Mom/Shaun made me write thank you letters to his family for sending me Christmas presents. I really do understand that when someone does something nice for you that you should thank them. But, ugh, I know I may come across as some ungrateful person for saying it, but the whole thought of writing thank you notes all the time makes me sick (though right now I might be suffering some after effects of the food poisoning I suffered earlier today). I mean, like I said, I know that it's polite to thank someone when they give you something or do something for you. But thank you notes... Like, I think that just a simple thank you should suffice. That's part of the reason I felt somewhat... uncomfortable that time I wrote those thank you notes. I had a whole page to fill and just thank you wasn't enough to do that. The rest was some useless banter that spouted in my head. It felt horrible writing it because it wasn't sincere.

When we were away, I remember Paula, Shaun's step-mother, mentioning how she never received any thank you notes from Michelle, who is the wife of Shaun's friend. Maybe she didn't thank them at all, but I think that it's a bit much to expect and perhaps even want a thank you note from someone. I mean, you're not satisfied with me just saying thank you? I don't know... I mean, when I thank someone I do it two to three times I think, but not in elaborate note style.

And, I just feel like I have something to prove to these people. I mean, little Shaun isn't told to write thank you notes (not yet at least), so that way it just feels kind of like I'm vying for approval from his family. Does that mean that if I don't do this or that that they won't accept me? That they won't like me? Possibly. I don't know.

Ugh. I just don't know.

On another note, I left my eczema medication on the coffee table last night. I forgot to bring it upstairs. I had a horrible stomachache, the last thing on my mind was remembering to grab the small metal tube. Luckily, I was too pained to get signficantly pissed off when I found the note on the coffee table this afternoon when I finally got out of bed (I had been up earlier puking what felt like my entire stomach out) that asked 'why is this here?' with my medicine-thing on top of the note. Obviously the note had been written by Shaun because my mom doesn't ask ridiculous things like that, much less write out stupid notes asking ridiculous things. The cream was downstairs because that's where I put it on. And it's not like it goes inappropriate parts on my body (arms, neck, etc). I'm supposed to use it three times a day, which doesn't happen because it's up in my room and naturally, I don't feel like going upstairs randomly.

I know it's house, but really? He couldn't put it in my bathroom? My room? There was this one time, I made the mistake of putting a used pad in the downstairs bathroom trashcan. He took it out of the trash can and put it in my room. It's not like it was something I did all the time too, it was just that one time. I guess that couldn't be overlooked. Ugh.

Don't get me wrong, Shaun's a nice guy and all, but sometimes he has those really asshole-y moments that are over stupid things, or at least stupid in my opinion. I try not to complain to my mom because she loves him and all...

On the trip Mom and Shaun showed his family that the postponement of the marriage wasn't because they were having relationship problems... It was like a goal. But... I don't know.